Boys will be boys, and collars will be blue, put one down and swing it around, all the way back to 1982. One foggy midday we found ourselves employed at the local Curve Factory. Every city has one, and every factory has a story within its walls—boy if those walls could talk. Occasionally they did talk, and here’s what they said. Just a disclaimer, we will be entering one of our classic dialogue sections of the book—you may have noticed that we do that from time to time, and if you didn’t… two points for the book and zero points for the reader. Quit skimming, Hoskins! You could lose! Anyway, here’s what the walls said:
WALL (BLUE): *sighs loud enough for everyone to hear*
WALL (GREEN): What’s the matter, blue? You signed loud enough for everyone to hear!
WALL (YELLOW): Oh, he does this all the time! He’s just on his classic blue bullshit again! Sick and tired of it, I am! I clock in every day, do you not know?
WALL (PURPLE): Shut up over there! I’m trying to sleep… I clock in every day… do you not know?
CEILING: I’m joining the fray now.
ALL WALLS: Shut up you silly silly boy!
CEILING: *caves in*
And that’s what happened. The place crumbled the second we walked in. We really didn’t even work there. But we still got workman’s comp. Is workman the thing on Jordan’s? The thing with the ball??? Is that a workman? Do you not know? Anyway, he comp’d us. I’m pretty sure that stands for composition.
This is sort of a composition when you think about it, do you not know? If you really don’t know, I guess you’ll never learn. I’m not your fucking high school sweetheart, I’m not gonna hold your fucking hand through this whole book, you don’t even have enough Book Points for me to be interested in you as a potential sexual candidate. I’m not here to fix you… you’re broken beyond compare.
Before the Curve Factory crumbled into little bite sized pieces, we did do a lot of research on the establishment, hoping for a long and storied career within those walls (which would occasionally talk). We aced the interview. Boss was a total fucking pushover and he answered every question he asked us, so it was a cake-walk. That being said, our many years of walking on cake did not come in handy during the interview, nor was it even on our resume (although he knew about it anyway… how DID he know that?). Our resumes were pretty much completely forged as well. Grant had never held a job in his life (if you know… well… do you not know?) We simply asked Lincoln Bio to write us up a quick rezzy (resume) because he was the only person we knew who had an at-home computer. We listed Griffley as our emergency contact, which Lincoln told us was not necessary to put on a standard resume. We did not listen to Lincoln. We never listen to Lincoln. And you shouldn’t either. If he wants us to listen, then he should say something worth listening to. That’ll be the day. Love the Crickets. (Yeah… that’s right. Buddy Holly’s backing band [I would’ve been really embarrassed if you didn’t catch that one]). My point is, the day Lincoln says something worthwhile is the day hell freezes over and pigs fly.
Oh you don’t know about the pig? He worked at the Curve Factory too, that’s actually where we met him. Funnily enough, we didn’t meet him at a Macy’s. I guess that’s not funny, I mean, we both know Jesus Christ too but we didn’t travel to a fucking manger to make his acquaintance, comprende?
Oh you don’t know about Jesus Christ? Too bad, I’m not your fucking high school youth pastor. I’m not gonna order you pizza and show you Pay It Forward on DVD. We’re not here to play fucking Ice Breakers (though Bananagrams is on the table). By the way, Jesus Christ worked at the Curve Factory as well, that’s actually where we met him. Funnily enough, we didn’t meet him in a manger. Though the Curve Factory was in Bethlehem.
Oh yeah, that’s the other thing. We moved to Bethlehem for the job, and it was a fucking headache. Have you ever had to ship all your really expensive and heavy furniture to a different continent? Well, it’s easier than you think. But it still fucking sucks because we had to do paperwork and stuff. We hate paper. And we HATE work. We like eggs and play. Refer to the first Soundass Law. And as it is such: “Eat safe, will travel for money.”
Our point being, Bethlehem was really far from Rare Groove. Legally we are not supposed to say where in the world Rare Groove is, so don’t try to figure it out based on the fact that it is far from Bethlehem. In fact, why don’t I just change what I said and instead say that it is very close to Bethlehem, so that you will be none the wiser. 3 points for the book. You could lose (but you’re already a fuckin’ losaaaah).
[Editor’s note: What was even the point of this chapter? To fucking whine about not being able to hold a job?]
After the building crumbled into tiny bite-sized pieces (that we may have eaten [maybe not… we’ll never tell ;-)]), we decided to cut our losses and just go ahead and invent something. That’s right, fuck the talking walls… we were on our way to WALL street (would that have been less confusing if I wrote “Walls street?” What about “Wall’s Street?” Which one is better? Which one?)
[Editor’s Note: How do you not know which option is better? Do you not know?]
Know not, we did. But know much, we could. Thanks Yoda. Yoda wrote that sentence for us. I guess it was actually two sentences (more of a comment, really. [Actually, it was more like a composition, methinks] {Is this the one that started with the composition thing? None of that makes sense if this isn’t the chapter that started with the composition thing. Why did we say composition in the first place, I don’t remember.}]).
[Editor’s Note: The rest of this chapter will appear in its completely unedited format. Apologies for the inconvenience.]
we went and we went outside and made big travel. Many rocks around us and we met an old man and we asked the old man what he wanted and what he was and the old man told us to go north and to go to the myuseeum where they wer keeping a different old man in captiviti so we needed 2 get to him and get him out of cavitys and so we went north and we went and we found the muusem but we didnt go inside -- never trust old man . never trust old period (period)
soooooooooo… what happend next ? u really wont believe. U wont even believe.
soOooooooOO0oooo anyyyywayyyy… picture are surpsie when old man from before by rocks was at museun after we dont go in and he finds us in back of place and he shot us with gun (many time). it really hurt, doctor even say it make brain bad. The end.
he rong tho. brain better then ever Period.
sooooooooooo……..do u think this is enof for a chapter ? and be onest with me im a little nervos. i spent my advance in a week ). im lucky u are on retainer. do u wear retainer? ha-ha. jus tjoke.
they t0old us they were send us to pt we did not now they mean playable teaser haha just a little joke anyway so anyway we got out of hospital we got and we went to home. The end.
Linking bio p icked us up from de airport✈︎
he cleaned us {he always clean us]. I may hate him…. but he pretty good guy. get behind ear too.just like i like. if i know i know . the end.
soooooooo yeh.
fin (wolfhard)
credits
released March 13, 2022
Mixed and mastered by Baritone Swanson, our butler.
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