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American Wet: An All Original Beverage

by Soundass

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1.
The New Coke Corporate Anthem 00:25
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2.
When In Rome 01:34
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3.
Focal Point 00:49
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4.
My Only Vendetta 01:29
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5.
Steam from the Duck's Beak 02:14
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6.
Grab the Keys 01:36
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7.
Hold My Erlenmeyer Flask 01:07
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8.
Never Have I Never 02:52
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9.
Chase Me To Chicago 03:03
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10.
Cones on Top of Cones 00:55
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11.
Legal Jumpscares 01:48
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12.
With Lungs Like These 03:10
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13.
Juice Command 03:22
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14.
Hennigan 02:22
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15.
Ogus 03:39
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16.
He's Right Behind Me, Isn't He? 02:27
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17.
I Make Hammers 01:58
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18.
In the Hall of the Mountain King 02:29
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19.
If I Were Ginuwine 01:40
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20.
So You're Into Hamlet 01:00
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21.
Friend of the Running Man 01:02
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22.
Yellow is the New Cerulean 01:16
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23.
Working Out Our Lats 00:48
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24.
A Little Lagniappe 01:04
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25.
In the Nick of Nite 02:10
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26.
First Line 00:55
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27.
Second Line 01:36
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28.
The Coke Brothers Corporate Refrain 00:19
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29.
The Taskmaster's Dilemma 04:26
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30.
Icky Pencils 02:31
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31.
Find My Fish 03:14
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32.
Ogus Reprise 05:47
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33.
Not Even Applicable 09:09
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34.
Ass Sounds 3 02:39
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35.
Who Ordered Moldy Steak? 06:15
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36.
Trying To Open a Jar of Pee Water 08:28
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37.
Comedy Isn't Funny 09:33
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38.
Dance Train To Boogie Town 04:10
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39.
First Class at Mucus School 03:16
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40.
Ogus Sounds 04:11
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about

We’re really good friends with Gimli. We’re aware of Legolas and we’ve met him a few times, and, let me tell ya, and I’ll tell ya this right now, we, Soundass, will tell ya (we’re keeping it real with ya)… we fuckin’ hate Legolas. Roger Waters is an engineer, but y’all ain’t ready for that shit yet.

Anyway, we don’t see Gimli that much, but when he comes in town, we ALWAYS ride the Bergen Line together. You know what that means… we RAGE. We get so fucking wasted and so fucking stoned, and on a train… no less! No more! At least, that’s what Gimli says in the morning when he leaves. Quoth the Gimli, “no more!”

Then, we wouldn’t see him for pretty much a full year (or at least fortnight—he’s a gamer). Then, one random day of the year, outta nowhere, like a moth to the flame, here’s Gimli.

The fellas on the train were a chattin’ bunch, but none more than old Roger himself. The Wall-man. That Wall guy. Wall-E himself… Mr. Roger Waters—you guessed it! He was the engineer of the train, and he would NOT shut the fuck up. He was always saying stuff like “Hello” and “Behave.” And let me tell ya something else… they fucking hated ISBNs… if you know, YA KNOW.

Aaaaaanyway, we were being put in time-out a lot, and we didn’t even get the benefit of a good spanking. Or to wear one of those silly dunce hats for that matter. They’re very, very fashionable (at least among naughty children such as ourselves). Yeah, California’s a great state (when it’s NOT ON FIRE). Roger Waters sucks. And he couldn’t even put out that fire, despite his name being Waters. I often wondered whether or not the song Waters of March was about him. A spring fling between Garfunkel and old Roj. I can talk about how much of a piece of shit he is here because he can’t put me in time-out. I’m working through some stuff.

Gimli was in town one fine afternoon, and like I said, we started raging. We raged and we raged (sometimes at the machine, but usually at Roger and the other Engineers… more on that later). Things were getting so wild, even Kato had to peace out early, and he calls himself K-Train!! By the way, we should make it clear that we’ve been on a train this whole time. The Bergen Line to be exact. I guess we said that. But it bears repeating. Now there’s a thought, bears repeating!!

Anyway, it all started in 2011. And it ends right now. Bear with me here. Now there’s a thought, a bear with me!? Where’d he come from?! Roger would never allow this.

Anyway, Roger was waving his wrench and waiving our rights by not letting us speak our heavenly souls and our bodacious brains! Now we had a lot of good authority, but we were also staunch anarchists who were blasted out of our goddamned gourds. D. Comedian was there with us. He was polite at first, but by the end of the line he was a true cookie monster of himself. I’m saying end of the line because it was a train line, the Bergen Line. It’s a play on words because to say “the end of the line” is also an expression. So anyway, fuck Roger. Now there’s a thought, fuck Roger?!

Waters we thinking with this chapter?!?! Flip Fitch was also there, but traveling separately (same train tho). Although frequently we could hear him yelling about how much he loved those tracks. A real track-boy. Great, great tracks. That tracks. Now there’s a track: (Ogus).

Our constitution and restitution sank quicker than the Titanic. Now there’s a thought… what if the Titanic sunk? Sorry for having all these thoughts. I’m just talking to my diary. If Soundass was on the Titanic, we sure as hell wouldn’t have stayed on the boat while it was sinking with the rest of that band. Hell, we might have sunk that ship ourselves. Not that we did… unless?

Gimli was there, he was getting stone cold wasted like Stone Cold Steve Austin or like the stone cold deli cuts from my local stone cold deli. Or like ice-cold frozen Austin Powers from the beginning of the first movie. If you know, you know and I know you know (that I’m not telling the truth ;). We said goodnight to Kato and he went off and he went and flew away. Classic K-Train. We love that about him, his flight. Sometimes though, he flies a little too close to the sun. Not this time though, but he scraped the moon’s core. Folly of man type beat. Sorry for misspellings, this chat has got me fucked up.

And on the topic of the chat, I have it on good authority that it was pre-written in 2011 by our watchmen. They have it looping every day, and don’t let Roger Waters tell you different. Or Gilbert for that matter. They’re trying to pull the wool over your eyes, which they know a lot about because Pink Floyd has an album called “Animals.” They also have an album with a cow on the cover. Not relevant, just thought it should be said for clarity’s sake. Now not many people know that Gilbert joined Pink Floyd after the “Division Bell” came out. They became a remarkably train-oriented group. Which is weird because, at that point Roger Waters was already out of the band. Turns out David Gilmour loves trains too. Not sure about Nick Mason though. I’ll call Syd Barrett, give me a second.

…


Yeah, he said he’s not interested in trains. Don’t even ask about Richard Wright… he’s dead. That’s insensitive. You ever think about what Richard Wright would be doing today if he were still with us? Riding a train I hope. Now there’s a thought. And I thought I was all outta thoughts!

At this point of the ride they were trying to kick Flip out of a moving train (the ultimate banishment). As an aside, should trains have planks??? That’d be awesome. I put it in the docket. Anyway, we lied and said that Flip was a youth pastor to save face and make him look like he’s not a creepy old heroin addict that we hang around with. Turns out they hate youth pastors even more, so they just shot him in the head. He pulled through though, didn’t even leave a scratch. Norway’s tough, brother.

I remember at some point Grant sold all of his cookies for moo points or something, I don’t know I was literally on every drug. I think I might have even could have maybe possibly invented some new ones while I was at it. Cue me tooting… my own horn that is…

By this point we were pulling into the last stop of the ol’ Bergen Line. I know what you’re thinking… Oslo. I don’t think that was it, but it sounds right. We were wasted, so we definitely don’t remember. Flip was actually sober that night though, so he might know. I’m not talking to Flip right now though, he’s working on a painting. Why did God take Richard Wright from us but not Flip? If they were in heaven together they would make an awesome band… Now that, my friends, is a thought. Goodbye Gimli. Until next time.

credits

released January 23, 2021

Mixed by quite a few people, but among them was Jack Packer, who paints clouds white every single day.

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Soundass New Orleans, Louisiana

Simply the best band ever made. 🤑

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